Babies, pictures, and mottos

Lexi told me that we are getting a baby girl this summer. She said she told Miss Heidi at the daycare. Great. Now someone is going to ask me when my baby is due and I'm going to cry. I asked her where we would get this baby girl, and she giggled and said at the grocery store. As much as I'd love a baby girl, I have neither the money, time, patience, energy, or uterus necessary for a baby.

Random pictures:

Miss Court


Josh and Britt


The Holy Terror of Primary Children's Hospital


Eric and his awesome train birthday cake made by his awesome mom


My mottos for the week:

"It takes as much energy to go positive as it does to go negative, and I would much rather drive myself positive." -- Bret Michaels

"I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazin' at stars
I feel amazing and
I'm not afraid" -- Eminem "Not Afraid"

I love feminist poetry and complaining about life

I've been thinking a lot, for a long time, about what I contribute to the world, and the concept that where much is given, much is required. Thinking about my duties as a Christian and as a human. I came across a few interesting articles in the blogernacle the last week or so on the Relief Society and how much more good it should possibly be doing in the world, rather than the current mission to make homewoven handicrafts and make people feel guilty about not being better at being perfect. It's something that, as I've said, I've thought a lot about, except not so much the Relief Society part. On Feminist Mormon Housewives, Joanna Brooks posted this quote from Audre Lorde, a poet whom I just love, and it really struck me.

“Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am a lesbian, because I am myself — a Black woman warrior poet doing my work – [I have] come to ask you, are you doing yours?”

The work that she was talking about for herself had to do with enlightening people and making change. And the answer for me has to be, no, I am not doing my work. At least not in full. Not as I'd like to be or as I need to be. I am not doing enough to ease the burdens of others or to make a positive difference in the world. But I am doing all I can. I think. I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. Everything feels so hard right now. I don't think I can do anymore, but someday. Someday.

Friday afternoon I was asking myself why I bother with some of the things I spend so much of my time and energies on. Students just want it to be easy. Parents just want me to figure out why their student is failing and fix it. Thursday one of my former students walked by me at the assembly and then stopped to say "hey" and give me a hug. Friday a former student stuck his head in and said he wanted to come to my class that day because he always learned something every day in my class. It feels good, but only for a few moments, because soon enough students are complaining that everything is too hard, that what I'm asking is too impossible, a parent is e-mailing or calling wanting me to take responsbility for things that are not mine to take. I had a discussion with 6th period that took a turn into contraception and how the morning after pill works. I gave them some info that frankly could possibly get me in trouble, told them that we probably shouldn't delve too far into that topic, told them all not to have sex, and then changed the subject, but I overheard one girl say to the boy next to her, "Where else am I going to learn this stuff. My mom sure doesn't teach it to me." It's frustrating and draining and I love it, but this week I don't feel qualified or equipped or energized enough to do it. I led class discussions on Thursday and Friday, and it drained me. There were a few tears over topics that hit close to home for a few students, we had passionate argument. Passion and connection are essential to education... and then I got a phone call that, among other things, someone's delicate little flower skipped class because those types of things are just too scary for her shy little self. What the hell am I supposed to do, then? Cater my lesson plans to your child? Ensure that she never has to do anything that would be uncomfortable for her or require stepping out of her comfort zone for 20 seconds of her day? I've got parents that think I have 180 students, but somehow I have time to monitor theirs one-on-one at all times to make sure she's doing her work, no one is bothering her, oh and by the way she's too shy and won't come ask for help so you always have to go to her and make sure she understands. Even though when you do, she'll just say "yes," but you should know that she really doesn't and somehow intuit what she might need help with. It was a crappy week. I have a bad attitude.

Lexi had a bad night Friday night. I don't like it when she gets low and starts throwing up. It's scary. We were giving her 15 minutes and then we'd have to take her in, and luckily she started to feel better and be able to eat enough to get her sugar out of the 50s. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't dare to leave her with anyone else. I may end up giving away my Bon Jovi ticket. We'll see how it goes.

OK, so this is an excerpt from one of my favorite Audre Lorde poems, called "Stations":

Some women wait for themselves
Around the next corner
And call the empty spot peace
But the opposite of living
Is only not living
And the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something
To change and nothing
Does change
So they change

Themselves.

It means something different to me each time I read it, and I love it.

We're rich!

We won $200 on the Super Bowl yesterday! :::Happy dance::: Sean got so nervous/excited as the quarter wound down and we had the money numbers... I was laughing so hard at him. And they kept stopping the clock, putting time back on the clock, there was a challenge on a play... I thought he was going to have a heart attack. So I immediately started spending our winnings mentally on fun things, and Sean says, "Well, I need to do some work on the car and the truck." Major buzzkill there, buddy.

This whole diabetes thing is kinda crazy, but mostly it's going OK. She's had a few low moments that scared us, but hopefully we'll work it out. Sometimes she throws up kinda randomly, like she's not really sick or anything, and that's just hard on blood glucose and then you have to worry about ketones and blah. I'm still learning so much, I don't even know everything I have to worry about yet. Just taking it a little at a time. We're supposed to go to a 3 hour class this week, but Sean's going to have to go alone. For me to be out in Salt Lake for that time period I have to take a whole day off of work and get a sub, and the daycare isn't trained to handle it yet without me anyway. Just not worth the extra stress at this point.

Every year we talk about going to Disneyland, and every year when I start to add up how expensive it is, I say, "Why? Why would I spend that much money to go there?" It's so ridiculous. I've spent a good chunk of time looking up hotel packages, and the park tickets alone are like $1000. That's absolutely ridiculous. How does anyone afford to do this? For a family of 6 it's gotta be a $2500 vacation without even breaking a sweat.

I can't believe it's midterm already! That means only 1.5 terms left in the whole school year. That seems unreal. I have Parent-Teacher Conferences on Valentine's Day. Not expecting a huge turnout, but maybe I'll be surprised.

My life lately

Man, who writes this blog? It needs some work. Some new music, some links added, some links to blogs I don't read taken off... That would take time and effort, though. Two things in short supply.

First, I must say that I try not to swear. Very often. I like swearing, actually. I am a fan of the well-placed curse word. But, I feel like it is lazy. It's easy to use a swear word rather than think of something else to say, and I like to set an example for my kids. I try, anyway. But sometimes... I just gotta swear.

Speaking of that... this cold weather makes me want to swear. When I step outside in the morning and it's 10 degrees I just want to let loose a really big one. A stream of big, bad words. But I refrain.

So. Life is weird. Whenever things start feeling too easy, I get worried. I start looking to the sky and wondering what great cosmic shit storm might be heading my way. I've been praying for the last while... Lord, I know that my life has been kinda too easy lately, but please, pllleeeeaaaassssse, let it stay that way awhile? I really can't deal with anything else right now. But the universe had other plans for us, and that's OK.

So last Thursday I decided to call the doctor and see if they would just test Lexi's blood sugar since she'd been having uncharacteristic bathroom accidents and was so thirsty for the last few weeks. My pediatrician is awesome and he ordered the labs and had them sent to the main lab with a runner and done immediately for us, even though it was the end of the day and everyone was going home. I really wasn't that surprised when it came back Type 1 diabetes. Stunned, numb, scared, but not surprised. So he sent us on up to Primary Children's Hospital immediately, and we spent a few days there over the weekend learning about how to manage Type 1 diabetes. It was overwhelming at first, but it doesn't take too long to get the hang of it all. It's a whole new set of issues, though, that's for sure. I'm just glad she got it now, rather than earlier or later. This really isn't a bad time if she has to have it.

So I've had Josh with me off and on while he's heen off track. Courtney takes him some of the time and he goes with Sean's mom one day a week, and then there were a few days we were out of school. He does really well hanging out with me for the most part, but I'm very excited for him to be back on track next week. He's made all of my paperclips into chains. He played games that he found on the internet, and in the process he changed my home page, default search engine, and tool bar and I had to figure out how to change them all back. He sometimes sits in a desk and raises his hand when I ask questions and takes the handouts that I pass around. My students think he is the cutest thing ever. On Monday when I walked up and started writing on the board, Front Row Joe said, "Mrs. Chamberlain it appears that you have a sticky note on your back, and I think it says 'I am stupid.'" So I peeled it off, and sure enough, in Josh's handwriting it said "I am stupod." I was like, "JOSH! What the heck?" And he's all acting innocent, all "Wha? Who, me?" back behind my desk, trying to deny it. And my students thought it was funny. Me, not so much.

I took Brittney to get her permit on Monday. She's pretty excited about that. Now we just need to get her out driving so she can get practice hours in.

Tonight was incoming sophomore night at school, but I didn't have to do anything so I got 1.5 hours of work time in my room. It was so needed and so nice.

OK, so January goals:
I lost absolutely no weight whatsoever.
I have not been to bed before 11:00 since I think sometime in 2009.
I stuck to my grocery budget so-so.
I did make a year financial plan.
We tried to have family fun night with my family, but a few of us ended up in the hospital instead.

February goals:
Stick to my budget.
Don't drag my feet and dread doing things that need to be done (taxes, chores, errands, doctors appointments)... just do it and don't analyze how I feel about it. I tend to get all, "But I don't feeeeeeeel like it," in my head, and then I just make myself feel miserable instead of just doing it and not thinking about it, so I'm trying to stop it. So far I'm already doing better.

Dude, you got herpes on your face

He he... that title is a shout out to my kids. South Park. Yeah, my girls and I watch South Park once in a while, not in the running for Mother of the Year, blah blah.

So I was at the doctor's office and I was talking to him about how I got 3 cold sores last month, when usually I get 3 a year at the most, and it was crazy awful. I sometimes get cold sores when my kids have colds, and then I don't get the actual cold... it's weird. But he said it was probably that and then stress made me get a bunch in a row, and then he gave me a prescription for Valtrex. Which is herpes medication, but also used for cold sores and shingles and all those other strains of the herpes virus. So anyway, I told Sean after that it was kinda awkward filling this prescription for herpes medication, but then I figured... Eh, it's not like I'm trying to date the pharmacist or anything, who cares? And Sean said... Um, are you sure you're not trying to date the pharmacist? And I said... Um, yeah, she's kinda got bug eyes, so... not really my type. So then I went to change out of my work clothes later and asked him how frumpy it would be of me to put on my pajamas before dinner. He was like... Well, not really frumpy, unless you're trying to date the pharmacist with bug eyes... then you might want to reconsider. Heh. Touche.
Lexi told me again today that she wants to go to Las Vegas. She likes it there because it's fun and it smells good (?) and you can go swimming. And she wants me to read her a book when we get there. Sounds like a plan to me. She tells me the goofiest stuff sometimes. Like she told me that we need to buy some pink paint for her bedroom and paint it because she only likes light green on Sundays in the summer. Alrighty then, girlfriend.

I really enjoyed the State of the Union address last night. It struck me as the President was talking about what a legacy we have as Americans, and how important it is for us as a country to stand for freedom and justice, and to have high ethical standards. That we be humane and compassionate and hard-working and encourage intelligence and innovation. And I just can't figure out why some people have such an instant and intense hatred of President Obama. I understand that people don't agree with him... I get that... I don't get the disdain and dislike of the man himself. He is well-spoken, articulate, poised, intelligent, and overall represents our country well. I hated George W Bush's policies, and the man was none of the above, he was grating to listen to, actually, and I don't hate him with anywhere near the vehemence that some people seem to hate President Obama. Well, I don't hate him at all, really. I just disagree strongly with his views and with his pronunciation of words.

On a related note, I am feeling so frustrated with my classes lately. We are writing a problem-analysis paper, and I get so much annoying garbage floated around out there. Like someone said that President Obama doesn't like how much doctors get paid so he's trying to make them get paid the same as other people. (What other people? I asked. How would he do this? I asked. They didn't know. They just knew they'd heard it and it was true.) I had a kid wanting to write a problem-analysis paper on how the deficit is all President Obama's fault, and when I tried to point out the reasons why that isn't the case, he looked at me like I'm stupid. Ok, fine, write a paper based on a completely faulty framework, and when you can't back it up with facts and evidence, you'll fail. Whatever. I have students who want to make alcohol illegal (Prohibition anyone?) and who think that we should just put all gay people on an island somewhere... I had one who said that he'd die fighting against gay people having the right to marry. Pretty sure that was hyperbole, but disturbing nonetheless. I had another student wanting to write about abortion, and I cautioned her to make sure that she is willing to analyze the factors that lead people to have abortions and then propose real, workable solutions. Most of the papers I get on abortion are simply a soapbox for the student to poorly articulate their own opinion rather than a thoughtful analysis and solutions. So she said, "Well, there's never a reason for a woman to kill her baby." OK, one more time for the non-listeners. This is a problem analysis paper. You may not think there should be reasons to choose abortion, but there obviously are because women have them. So if you want to write a problem analysis on the topic, you have to be willing to put aside your own opinion somewhat and look at the problem, then decide how we can solve that problem. It's like some of them don't get it. They just look at me like I'm trying to say everyone should kill babies or everyone has to love Obama instead of understanding that I'm trying to teach them the structure for a paper. Gah I'm so frustrated.

I have teacher training on the new Common Core that many of the states are adopting tomorrow. I'm anxious to see how it correlates with what we already do. The standard that I'm in charge of presenting on is nothing new or different. I don't anticipate much change in Writing.

I have the cutest group of annoying seniors this semester. There is a huge group of them that are those kids that drive you crazy but they have charm so you can't help but like them. We had Obert Skye, who wrote Leventhumps and other books, speak to us today, and he was doing a question and answer session. The title of one of his books is called Choke and he was talking about the word "choke" and the many meanings and sharing times in his life when he has choked... So one of my main culprits raises his hand during question and answer and I'm thinking, "Oh hell, what now?" So he asks Obert Skye, "You've talked a lot about choking... are you certified in CPR?" Luckily Obert Skye has a great sense of humor, but I had to sit behind them all and smack them in the back of the head from time to time. I caught him at one point whispering to one of his buddies, "Ask him who would win in a fight between Mrs. Chamberlain and Mrs. Another English Teacher." I was like... Don't you dare, you little turds. I remember hearing stories about this same group of kids when they went on a field trip somewhere and the same one asked the presenter some goofy question and the teacher wanted to smack him. I hadn't ever had him before, but it's all so clear now. One of the other teachers wandered into my classroom the other day, took a look at that group, and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry." I think we'll get along just fine, but I may have to get permission from their mothers to smack them around a little from time to time.

Like/Dislike

Things I like and things I don't:

Like: Two pina coladas... I gotta have one for each hand... Sean made pina coladas tonight and that song has been running through my head ever since. Lexi kept calling them poladas.

Like: Lexi sings so cute in her little girl voice. I love listening to her.
Dislike: She goes through phases with songs that she wants to listen to over and over. Currently it's "The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars and an assortment of Christmas songs. Every day in the car. The last one was "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. I had to hide the CD.

Dislike: Things that break down. Like my refrigerator. That cost $300 to fix.
Like: Having a working refrigerator.
Dislike: When the freezer went out, I had to cook some of the stuff that had thawed. I ended up making a pan of cinnamon rolls, a pan of orange rolls, and 2 pies. And I've eaten a ton of that pie all on my own. I'm throwing the rest of it away.
Like: eating pie.
Dislike: how big my butt is when I bend over.

Like: Our 19th anniversary was last week. Sean and I went to Iggy's for dinner, and then when we came home the kids had put together pictures from over the years and bought us a cake. The girls and I read the Cake Wrecks blog, so they ordered a cake that said something silly on purpose. Then the bakery messed it up, so it was a wreck within a wreck. Awesome. I think it ended up saying, "We are moderitly glad you guys got married so that we could be bored." It was supposed to say "born".

Like: Re-reading Pride & Prejudice

Like: I'm really excited to watch the Bears v. Packers game tomorrow.

Dislike: Our elliptical machine has been broken for a while now, and it's given us problems since we bought it. The wheels on it have cracked a few times, which is weird. That shouldn't be a part that goes out, especially not right away.
Like: Sean finally tore the whole thing apart and found out that it was probably never put together right by the shop where we bought it. He thinks he's fixed it. He just has to get a new wheel (again) and we'll see. Now maybe I can use it to burn off some pie.

Like: When my kids randomly quote movies. Lexi told me the other day that the important thing from Ghostbusters is not to cross the streams. We can't cross the streams, mom.
Dislike: Yeah, so my 3yo has seen Ghostbusters. I'm not up for Mom of the Year, boo hoo, whatever.

Like: my job
Dislike: waking up in the mornings

Dislike: Messes. Always messes. Everywhere messes.

Dislike: Lexi is having all kinds of problems with making it to the bathroom lately. She's always thirsty and she contstantly has to pee and she keeps having little accidents. She had an accident at school the other day for the first time in forever.

Like: The biopsy of the mole the dermatologist took off Sean's head came back just a normal mole (which is what I said all along when all those other doctors kept telling him it was other stupid stuff) and he hasn't had anymore headaches since it was removed, hallelujah.

Dislike: Josh is off-track and it's so hard figuring out what to do with him. He comes with me some days, and it's fun to have him there. He's really good, but he gets bored after a while.
Like: Courtney is really good to come get him when she can and to help out. So, so, so glad I have Courtney to help me.

Like: Brittney has discovered re-runs of Three's Company and we watch it together sometimes. John Ritter was so awesome.

Like: Saturday nights
Dislike: Monday mornings

I finished!

I finally finished all of my grading and got all of my final grades done on Friday! I brought essays home all week and I was worried I would be grading all weekend too, but I got it done before I left school. Last week had to have been at least 8 days long. The big topic this year was sports-- injuries, steroids, BCS... I think I read at least 10 persuasive essays on the NFL's new helmet-to-helmet tackling rule, but it's all done. And I'd rather read persuasive essays on sports-related topics over abortion and animal abuse any day. I'm sure there will be some begging and some pleading left to deal with... I do have a handful of seniors who are failing and will no doubt be full of excuses and cajoling and tears come tomorrow, but I can deal with that tomorrow.

Every time I sit down to blog I just don't want to do it and end up playing computer games instead. My life is pretty boring. I do have all these things rolling around in my head that I need to write about, but it's too much effort. Blah. It's easier just to think about it. So I will probably just write about stupid stuff because it's easier.

The Bears won on Sunday! Woot! So awesome. I cannot wait for the game this weekend. Chicago v. Green Bay will be epic. Going to break out the party.

I asked Josh the other morning on my way out the door if I looked OK and he got this really cute scrunchy look on his face and said, "I really don't know, so I just say yes." It was pretty funny.

I made Pineview reservations for this summer, and I always get so excited after. I hate January and February. Once March comes I feel like I can make it.

So I've been pondering goals. Part of me feels like... I'm stressed out, I'm trying to deal with 4 kids with completely different problems and challenges and age-levels, trying to juggle my career and family and be a somewhat decent wife, trying to deal with my own problems... Maybe I should just accept myself for who I am for a little while and not always be trying to change myself. But then, is that a cop-out? It's always hard to lose weight and save money and be more organized and not be such a dork. Why would now be any different than down the road? I just hate always beating up on myself when I fail. At the beginning of the summer my doctor put me on a second med for my thyroid, and it was awesome. I felt so great, and I dropped 6 pounds instantly. But the dose was too high, so she has backed me off to about 1/4 of the dosage, and I gained the 6 pounds back instantly. I still feel pretty good, so I'm happy about that, but I've gained another 4 pounds on top of that, so I've got to lose weight. I put on like 10 pounds in 4 months and it's so not cool. Some doctors are skeptical about taking the T3 meds for thyroid on top of the synthroid, but it works so well for me. I feel way better. Anyway... Still pondering.

OK so I decided that I kinda want to be Pink, just a little bit, and I have a little girly crush on her, and so then I was thinking about celebs who I would want to be my friend, and I came up with these 3. Although, I can't imagine hanging out with all 3 at the same time. Would I even be alive at the end of the night?







Pink is just b.a. and Avril is so stinking cute, and then Beth... I just want her to be all tough... like we'd go to Burger King and someone would talk trash and Beth would get all up in their face. She's Queen B man.