I've been thinking a lot, for a long time, about what I contribute to the world, and the concept that where much is given, much is required. Thinking about my duties as a Christian and as a human. I came across a few interesting articles in the blogernacle the last week or so on the Relief Society and how much more good it should possibly be doing in the world, rather than the current mission to make homewoven handicrafts and make people feel guilty about not being better at being perfect. It's something that, as I've said, I've thought a lot about, except not so much the Relief Society part. On Feminist Mormon Housewives, Joanna Brooks posted this quote from Audre Lorde, a poet whom I just love, and it really struck me.
“Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am a lesbian, because I am myself — a Black woman warrior poet doing my work – [I have] come to ask you, are you doing yours?”
The work that she was talking about for herself had to do with enlightening people and making change. And the answer for me has to be, no, I am not doing my work. At least not in full. Not as I'd like to be or as I need to be. I am not doing enough to ease the burdens of others or to make a positive difference in the world. But I am doing all I can. I think. I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. Everything feels so hard right now. I don't think I can do anymore, but someday. Someday.
Friday afternoon I was asking myself why I bother with some of the things I spend so much of my time and energies on. Students just want it to be easy. Parents just want me to figure out why their student is failing and fix it. Thursday one of my former students walked by me at the assembly and then stopped to say "hey" and give me a hug. Friday a former student stuck his head in and said he wanted to come to my class that day because he always learned something every day in my class. It feels good, but only for a few moments, because soon enough students are complaining that everything is too hard, that what I'm asking is too impossible, a parent is e-mailing or calling wanting me to take responsbility for things that are not mine to take. I had a discussion with 6th period that took a turn into contraception and how the morning after pill works. I gave them some info that frankly could possibly get me in trouble, told them that we probably shouldn't delve too far into that topic, told them all not to have sex, and then changed the subject, but I overheard one girl say to the boy next to her, "Where else am I going to learn this stuff. My mom sure doesn't teach it to me." It's frustrating and draining and I love it, but this week I don't feel qualified or equipped or energized enough to do it. I led class discussions on Thursday and Friday, and it drained me. There were a few tears over topics that hit close to home for a few students, we had passionate argument. Passion and connection are essential to education... and then I got a phone call that, among other things, someone's delicate little flower skipped class because those types of things are just too scary for her shy little self. What the hell am I supposed to do, then? Cater my lesson plans to your child? Ensure that she never has to do anything that would be uncomfortable for her or require stepping out of her comfort zone for 20 seconds of her day? I've got parents that think I have 180 students, but somehow I have time to monitor theirs one-on-one at all times to make sure she's doing her work, no one is bothering her, oh and by the way she's too shy and won't come ask for help so you always have to go to her and make sure she understands. Even though when you do, she'll just say "yes," but you should know that she really doesn't and somehow intuit what she might need help with. It was a crappy week. I have a bad attitude.
Lexi had a bad night Friday night. I don't like it when she gets low and starts throwing up. It's scary. We were giving her 15 minutes and then we'd have to take her in, and luckily she started to feel better and be able to eat enough to get her sugar out of the 50s. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't dare to leave her with anyone else. I may end up giving away my Bon Jovi ticket. We'll see how it goes.
OK, so this is an excerpt from one of my favorite Audre Lorde poems, called "Stations":
Some women wait for themselves
Around the next corner
And call the empty spot peace
But the opposite of living
Is only not living
And the stars do not care.
Some women wait for something
To change and nothing
Does change
So they change
Themselves.
It means something different to me each time I read it, and I love it.
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4 comments:
I liked this whole post.
To me, the poem means "line upon line, precept upon precept." Don't be stagnate.... we must evolve! Daniel is having a hard time with his biology class section on evolution and I told him there's nothing wrong with the theory. Evolution is definitely a fact of life.
I think the parents can definitely be the worst part of teaching. Hope this week is better. You are an amazing teacher. Your students are lucky to have you.
I know what you mean about contributing to the world. I just feel so tired and overwhelmed with the day-to-day, too. I wish I had more time/energy to make some of my "good intentions" realities. I guess you have to think about the difference you'e making in the lives of your students and of your own kids. When you take a step back and look, you really are influencing the world.
You are a great teacher Shannon. I agree, parents are one of the toughest parts of teaching! When I taught seminary- that is what was super hard for me, dealing with the parents!
sorry for the hard week!
hope Lexi is doing okay!
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