Love

I've been thinking about my statement the other day that I'm a "love conquers all" sort of person, and I wanted to clarify something for my own self. I was serious when I said that it's somewhat unrealistic. I do realize that love cannot conquer all, and that just because it has in the past doesn't mean it always will. I felt like what I had written came off sounding smug and that was not my intention. Anyway... Speaking of love:

Ummm.... what??

We were having a discussion on civil disobedience in class, and one of my students said, "Who was that lady that refused to sit at the back of the bus? Aretha Franklin?" Ummmm... not quite. Try again sweetie.

Lexi has this Barney DVD that she loves (grrr...) and I was doing stuff today, not really paying attention to the Barney background noise underneath my thoughts. Then this song came on singing about balls, and it's fun to play with balls, big ones, small ones, and I had to stop and go... wait... what?? I fully admit that I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, but really. Somebody really could have come up with some better lyrics to that song.

Shopping

I LOVE clothes. I hate shopping. I never feel like I have the time or money to spend on it. I don't like the way anything looks on me. Therefore, I put it off until it's really, really overwhelming. So this weekend, that was the one task I had to complete... go shopping and get myself some things to wear before someone mistakes me for a hobo. No offense to the hobos, becuase I'm looking pretty bad lately. Walking through Kohl's today, I had this feeling like... this is what it must feel like to be on crack. To be ADHD and on crack. It's like ohmygoshthosearenicetowelsandlookatthe
shoesandI'moutofbrasandIneednewshirtsandtherearesomepantsahhhhhhhhhhh..... I don't know where to start. So I just want to go home and put my jammies back on. Luckily I did OK today, got some stuff, but shoes have been my nemesis lately. I've shopped everywhere for a pair of good shoes that I can wear with my skirts, with slacks, with jeans... I love heels, and I kept wistfully checking them out, but I just can't do heels. I have terrible feet and they always hurt, so I need good shoes. I tried on all the Naturalizer and comfy shoes, and they all just looked so clunky and gross on me. I tried on a pair of super cute white Pumas. I looked like grandma going to Bingo in her new white Keds. Finally I had one of those moments in Famous Footwear where you are so tired of shopping endlessly for shoes (seriously, I started this quest for comfy shoes like last school year) and just madly grabbed 3 pairs and bought them. Oh well. It is done. On my way to check out at both Target and Kohl's, though, I saw the swimsuits... a whole 'nother challenge. Not even going to think about that one today.

Furthermore...

I've been thinking about the stuff I wrote about religion the other day and wanted to elaborate (ramble on some more) further...

I can understand that an individual person would choose to remain single rather than marry someone outside their faith. It's not what I would choose because I come from a different place, but I can see how someone else could feel that way. What was surprising to me, I guess, was that in this particular discussion (I think it was on the Time and Seasons blog) was that there were people who vehemently asserted that no faithful LDS person should ever marry outside the temple. Who are they to say what everyone should do? To judge the righteous desires of another's heart? And further, these were married people saying that other people should have to remain single if they don't find an LDS marriage partner. Easy to say when you've already found someone, yk? I find that annoying. (Big surprise... me? annoyed by something? LOL) I'm just not really big on sweeping generalizations about how other people should live, I guess. And I'm a "love will conquer all" sort of a person, which is lame and idealistic and not realistic, but there ya go. Love has conquered a hell of a lot of hardship over the years at my house, so it works for me. :)

Also, thinking a lot over the last day or so about my own religious/spritual path and what the term agnostic means as I apply it to myself. Agnostic is a pretty broad term that can encompass a variety of beliefs, but the commonality is the whole "unknowable" thing. That's why I consider myself agnostic, although non-denominational Christian may also be accurate. Non-denominational Christian agnostic? I just don't know any of the answers to the questions that religion purports to answer, and I don't believe I ever will. Even when I was fully active in the LDS church, I never believed in all of the teachings. The LDS religion is not something I dismissed in adulthood. I didn't "lose my testimony", "go apostate", I didn't get "offended" and leave, I'm not anti-Mormon, I'm not just too lazy to live the teachings, or any of those things that people often assume about people like me. I just never fully believed in it. I can remember as a teenager knowing that I wouldn't marry in the temple. I didn't want to, even when I was a faithful YW/seminary attendee. I couldn't articulate exactly why, but I can clearly remember being 17 years old and telling my friend that I would get married in a civil ceremony and then go to the temple later on if I wanted to. I took the temple prep classes in my early 20's and still had no desire to attend the temple. I tried for years to reconcile my beliefs with church teachings so that I could attend and not be frustrated. It didn't work. That's when I kindof decided I was LDS agnostic... meaning, I identified as LDS because that was the religion of my family and my upbringing, and I believed in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Parents, but that I didn't believe all of the rest was really knowable. And then I just couldn't attend anymore, and now I don't really identify as LDS anymore. I'm "Christian", "unaffiliated", or "agnostic", depending on who is asking. I would actually love to start attending the LDS Church again and have a community to worship with, and to worship with my family, but it's just so hard to figure out how to make it all work and not be a hair-pulling-out experience. Still working that out in my head... Stay tuned. :) This is a weird subject for me to write about. I very rarely talk about it anymore, and usually regret it when I do... so I'm sure I'll regret writing this post. Private thoughts and all that. Oh well. That's my story if you ever wondered. :)

The Latest

Our 18th anniversary came and went a few weeks ago. Hard to believe that it's been that long. And that Sean still likes me. He's a pretty amazing guy to be able to put up with my crap and still love me anyway. We had a pretty low-key celebration. We took a nice drive up to Coalville and had lunch at the Spring Chicken Inn. It was quiet and relaxing. Perfect. Next month we are going to Wendover for dinner and a concert over Valentine's weekend, so I'm counting that as our anniversary as well. We are going to see Queensryche, which is the first band we ever saw in concert together. That was nineteen years ago. Wow.

Josh started back to school last week, which was good because I was getting ready to have him go back. I was starting to get annoyed having him hang out with me every day, even though it was only for a few hours, because he sits on top of me and asks me questions and makes messes when I'm trying to get work done, but I tried hard to just relax and enjoy having him there. I really missed him on his first day back. Some of his little art projects were strewn around my desk and his monster truck drawing was still on the white board, and it made me want to give him a big hug. Sometimes it's nice when people aren't around so that you have a chance to miss them. :)

Courtney has been busy working and having way too much fun. She's got a few debate tournaments coming up and been busy working on scholarship stuff. Crazy. I'm going to cry like a baby at her graduation. I just got roped into doing the all-night senior party. That should be interesting.

Lexi is potty trained. Yay! That poor girl looks so raggedy all the time. She pulls the barrettes and ponytails out of her hair. And then when she gets older she's going to look at pics of herself and go, "Gah! Mu-therrrrr, why did you let me look so terrible??"

I'm hoping that Brittney might actually like this semester of school. Her awesome counselor got her into a class she wanted and she seems pretty happy overall with everything. Hates P.E., but duh. Unavoidable. She just joined the mock trial team and is taking pictures this week for yearbook. Hopefully she'll have a fun semester. If I could just figure out how to help her reduce the number of migraines she's been having. She claims it's P.E. and thinks I should try to get her out of it. Hmmmm.....

I was reading an interesting article and then a blog discussion on an LDS blog today. The discussion was about whether people who couldn't find a temple marriage partner are better off not to get married at all than to marry a good person in a civil ceremony. There were people who argued both sides, and frankly, I was surprised. There were people who vehemently believed that there are two choices: a) single and celibate forever or b) temple marriage. I don't know why that surprises me so much, but it does. As someone who isn't temple endowed/sealed and never will be and (obviously) won't encourage my kids down that road, it's such a foreign way of thinking to me. I understand that temple marriage is the ideal for LDS, but I was just surprised that some people think that being alone is better than being married to a person with good values who isn't a church member. The other thing that was funny, while at the same time disturbing, was that one poster made a list of undesirable people to be married to (drunks, child abusers, puppy-kickers, anti-Mormons) and lumped agnostics in there. I used to consider myself LDS agnostic if there can be such a thing, but now I think of myself as just a sort of general Christian agnostic, but I guess I didn't realize I keep such unsavory company? Seriously, you would never want to marry a dope smoker, a porn director, or one of those agnostics. LOL

Rather than New Year's Resolutions, I decided this year to try to make monthly goals. So here are my February goals:
*Family council twice a month
*No treats until dessert (I will snack on a cookie here and 2 cookies there until I've eaten 7 cookies in the course of an afternoon/evening)
*Limit 2 cans of Diet Pepsi a day
*Lower the noise level at our house-- we are LOUD people
*Be less boring. I've really been wrapped up in my kids more than I feel is healthy and I've lost more of my own identity than I feel good about. Do at least 2 fun things that I want to do.

That should do it for now. I think those are pretty achievable to start.

Mid-week Report

Courtney is packing for California. She leaves in the morning. Bummer for me. I'm going to miss her. But she's very excited. She's got a lot going on at school right now, so hopefully it will be a nice relaxing break. And relieve a little of her senioritis. :)

Sean hasn't had a car torn apart in the garage for nearly a month now, and that just can't happen, so he's started a big new repair project. I can't really tease him too bad, especially since this time it's not even one of our cars. He's doing a favor for someone, so I've been silent with the teasing/complaining. It's a BIG job and he's doing it out of the kindness of his heart. He's a pretty good guy.

I put Lexi in the car this morning and she was all squirmy and whiny, and then she said, "My butt's too big!" I hear ya, honey. Don't tell my mom that my 2 year old said "butt". She'll ground me or make me do a chore.

Josh is off-track, so he's been hanging out with me during lunch and for the last class period of the day. It's been good to have some extra time with him. Of course the high schoolers give him high-fives, and when he walks down the hall with me he knows some of them that have taken the daycare class. So he's having a good time. It's just annoying when I'm in the middle of teaching class and he'll start singing quietly to himself, totally oblivious, or turn the sound on the computer so that Curious George is making his annoying little squeaky noises.

Brittney got a video camera for Christmas and is going to film stuff this weeknd for the YouTube channel she and her friends created. They write these little goofy skits and parodies and film them. Man, kids nowdays have it good. Ny best friend Donna and I would have had so much fun with YouTube!

So that is the mid-week report. Things are pleasantly busy. Not crazy, but not boring. Just how I like it.

Happy Holidays and such...

I'm having a hard time blogging because I just don't know what I want to say. So much runs through my head all the time, but none of it is interesting to anyone but me. Want to hear my thoughts on Harry Potter 6? My views on abortion and health care? My fears and parenting challenges and work frustrations and feminist rantings? Yeah, no one does. Anyway...

Christmas seems too old to blog about now, but here are a few random pics. We did have a nice time, and I feel very fortunate.










Potty training is going pretty well. She's got the hang of it... now we are in that stage where we're just working out the kinks.



Lexi got an unplanned haircut last week. Josh, for some reason unknown, decided to cut a bunch of her hair off one morning. So I had to cut the rest of it off. My girls and I were both surprised by how calm I was and how no swear words came out of my mouth.



We had a nice New Year's Eve with Katie, Dennis, and Scott & Wendy and their kids. We played cards and ate and visited. I really enjoyed hanging out with all of them. I'm sad that the break is over, but I do like the routine of school and work. A few more weeks left in the term to wrap up. Courtney leaves for California in a few days for a debate tournament. I'm going to miss her a ton. I'm excited to start a new year. Maybe I'll get it right for a change.